before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
