It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
