My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
