I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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