oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
