Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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