walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
