Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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