i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
