Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
