Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I am naked and annoyed.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
