If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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