I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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