maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
