ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
