do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
