Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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