You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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