My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
