remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
