one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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