Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
