Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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