I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
