then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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