I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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