I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
