apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
