So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
