i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
