I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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