"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
