I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
