the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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