You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
