wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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