Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
