Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
