Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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