Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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