Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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