My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
