so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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