I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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