do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My feet surprised me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
