it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
