she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Two words: blizzard sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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