dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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