I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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