1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't make out with my wife yet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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